it's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine, it's summertime

I know I like to say I'm a runner, even though I'm probably one too many potato chips removed from that one (ask my ass..) But, I anyways signed up for the Twin Cities Marathon. First marathon. Home court advantage. 6 months to train. Pretty excited, to say the least. I think I first wanted to run a marathon when I was.. young. I was going to make up an age for emphasis, but I'm pretty sure I didn't understand the concept until about 6th grade (late bloomer, yes.) So whatever, still. It feels like forever ago. The days that I cherished my subscription to Runner's World. I woke up at the crack of dawn to get a few miles in before trotting off to my silly little high school classes. I spent nights lying awake nervous for the next day's (or next week's) race. I wandered around school's tracks with acid burning my stomach, talking and thinking for hours about nothing but those cursed two miles in which I would fight my body's limits, ruining myself mentally for eight laps. I never thought anything for the rest of my life would cause such a mental beating as I survived for those six years. (Then I came here and experienced things like Chemistry and Physics and Organic and Biology and Physiology... but that's besides the point). I sort of miss beating myself up about something else besides how average I am at school. This sounds mentally disordered (which it very well may be) but it is just my personality and I accept and culture it. I've been running pretty well lately (since it's so warm! and not dark when I get home! YAY), but inevitably I will get overwhelmed with classes and take a week hiatus. But this summer I will hopefully post about my training.. I tend to blog in my head when I run. Like, I try to philosiphy, and people watch, and.. just think-blog. So be prepared for that.. Another exciting summer development: I've been trying to get me and Peter into a mixed doubles tennis league for the summer. Ha, should be.. uhhhh interesting.

10 Ways I Break the Rules

A blog I read did this, and I thought it was cute. She says: Everywhere we look, there are rules and guidelines on how we should live our lives. Eat this, not that. Get 8 hours of sleep, never eat after 7:00 and floss daily. Some of these rules are beneficial, I'm sure, but I'm sick of being told what to do. So, here are my ten ways I break the rules, read with caution! Likely you'll think of me differently, judge me probably, but I'm willing to take the risk. 1. I stay up all night. I know, I know. Cramming = bad. But it happens every time. And you know, when I get to the point, it is just what I need to do. 2. I don't eat breakfast. Yea yea, it is the essential start to the day, most important meal of the day, blah blah blah.. sleep is my essential start to the day. 3. I listen to my iPod.. LOUD! I know, I'm going to go deaf. I know it's fucking annoying sitting on the bus next to me (believe me, I know).. I just don't care. 4. I don't wash my coffee mugs. Oh come on, bacteria is good for you.. I rinse them every now and then.... 5. I dance in front of the bathroom mirror when no one's watching. But only on days that it boosts my confidence. Because there are plenty of days that will do the opposite. Yea, I'm shallow and vain. 6. I buy coffee. Yea, it's a rip off. Yea, it probably costs them a penny to make and they charge me two dollars for it. Technically I do also make it at home, but when you have an addiction to my extent, you have to feed it. Multiple times a day. 7. I give money to the beggars. So maybe they're going to go buy alcohol. Drugs. Whatever. I mean, I can understand that. If they ask, and I'm carrying, it's theirs. No questions asked. 8. I am anti-marriage. And I don't think it's the American dream. And I don't think it ever works. And no, I don't have any experience. And yes, I probably am too young to have this opinion. But if someone asked me for advice (obviously they wouldn't) as to whether or not they should get married: I'd say no. 9. I watch Bad Girls Club. Absolutely the epitome of bad, American trash TV. 10. I don't cry. I think you're supposed to get your emotions out that way.. but it just isn't for me.

nobody said it was easy

Advice to those starting college: When you don't have a 1,000% grasp on a topic, it won't go away after the exam. It will pop up again. Like how the sarcoplasmic reticulum is the site of calcium release in muscle cells. Yea. That won't only be important in the muscular system. Because your heart is a muscle too. And it does the same fucking thing.

it's the edge of the world and all of western civilization

So we had a lab party tonight and I was affected by two very separate things: 1.) I spoke with this one lady who is a lab veteran, she had quit before I started (in other words, I really don't know her at all to make the judgements I'm going to make.. so yea, I'm already feeling guilty and I haven't even yet said what I'm going to say.....) She went back to school for clinical lab science, and got a job at the veterinary medicine labs, also at the U. She talked about her work very nonchalantly. Not real negative (yet), and not real positive. Passive. But eventually, it pretty much came out that she hates her new job, her heart aches for her old job at our lab, she is miserable, but..... she is making a lot more money. So she'll stay with it. One thing I didn't mention: she's old. I would say.. 63. She made the comment, "Well, what else am I to do? It's not like I could go to medical school at my age.." And it made me angry. Not at poor Lisa, no. At this fucking society. Because, I would like to think I could do anything I want. I could be a gardener, if that's what made me happy. I could be a scientist! Without getting roped into spending my life in a huge life-ruining corporation. Yea, there's not any money in it, but damn it! I'd be happy. But then, I want to be a doctor (and yes I acknowledge the fact that I may just never get to be a doctor, but that aside...) I won't have to worry about money. Yes, it costs a lot of money to go to med school. And yes, the health care reform will inevitably take money away from doctors (as it should!). But still, we will always need doctors, therefore, I will always have a job. But what if my dream career was to be a scientist. I would probably spend my life struggling (because damn if you ever catch me working for a big pharmaceutical company) to find work? Funding?.... food?...............shelter? Maybe I'd have a completely different outlook on the situation. Even if, say, I was my sisters and had gone to a private undergraduate education and sitting on tens of thousands of dollars in loans? Maybe I'd have a completely different outlook on the situation. And it's easy to say that I want to live a simple life: unglamorous, unextravagant. But that isn't even enough in this society! That poor lady is less than ten years from retiring and she is going to spend the last years of her working life in a job she hates, and why? So she can pay for her nursing home? Her hospital stays? The house in AZ? So her kids don't have to pay off her student loans? Life just sucks. On the other hand, my #2 for the evening was how much I adore my supervisor. She is German, loud, crazy, passionate, ridiculously smart, intolerant, assertive, strict, has wildly curly hair, drinks a lot, and.. I don't know what all. I think I like her because I don't see myself in her at all. Which is sad, I suppose. But, among those fun things, I didn't mention how much she cares about me. I think she does. I mean, I have been her student for a year and a half now, but really, we haven't been overly personal with each other, considering how long we've known each other. But I just know the way I feel about her, like I really really care about her. Like I would defend any and all of the crazy things she does. Like I would fight her fights. Like I have an ache in my heart to see her happy. Like when she talked about her nephew and the happiness didn't quite reach her eyes because (I'm sure of it) she wants children of her own. Moreover, she wants to find that person (yea, yea Rachael does have a heart! just because I don't believe in all of that doesn't mean I can't hope for it and believe in it for someone else).. Well anyways.. that's enough rambling for an evening I think..

your heart 's on the loose, and this ain't no place for the weary kind

I probably talk about my Fairview patients too much, but whatever. Usually at Fairview I feel like I am learning less about what it will be like to be a doctor, and more about what it would be like to have a hospitalized child. It hurts. Last night a two and half year old sweetheart stole my heart. As we played with her toys in her crib, she kept quiet while I chatted about queens and candy and picnics. She had lost all of her hair, and her entire body was broken out in a red, flaky rash. Her ECG leads wouldn't stick to her deteriorating skin, so the monitor constantly rang out. As nurse after nurse attempted to fix the stickers, the little angel patiently held still and kept quiet, with the same exhausted, pained look of someone who has known nothing in life but pain. She finally laid down for sleep, and I held her hand and sang her lullabies until her breathing became rhythmic. But the expression remained on her young face. So I didn't let go of her hand. When the nurse came in and saw me, and said that I could leave because the little girl was used to sleeping alone, I nearly burst into tears. I contained my emotions and politely declined.

It's moments like these, moments that mean so much to me, that make me think I should be looking into nursing.

I wish for the whole truth every time you speak, and I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me

I have this friend. In some aspects of my life, I would say I am closer to this person than anyone, but in some ways, maybe even in most ways, I hardly know them at all. Lately I sense something has changed between us, and not for the better. I'm not sure why. It could be any number of things really, so much so that it makes my stomach sick. So I try not to think of them.

I expect a letter from them soon (because it is something we do sometimes, and I have recently written). I fear it will be cordial. Do you ever just wish for horrible truth sometimes?




It was really nice to meet you, goodbye
It's high time I quit wondering why
'Cause I have lost all that I can from my side
And when you think of me again, no
I tried
Goodbye

Forgive me while I lay here
But I have nowhere else to be
I figure when I leave this time, it's for keeps
And when I say, "Good Morning" next
I'll lie
This is goodbye

I'll only delay the day I can't remember you at all
And it's not easy to say that day
Is already come and gone
And all that remains is a place
Where you no longer are

One day I won't regret this
Oh, how I want to believe that's true
Once I pick up my parts I broke on you
I'll get used to the idea
It's not you
Goodbye

a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown

Pre-med club
research proposal
research presentation
lab meeting presentation
study abroad trip
HCMC research associate
MCAT
Bio paper
bio exam
Physiology exam
literature exam
organic chemistry exam
Bio lab notebook
Fairview


Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head