if you think you're going to faint, go out in the hallway. Let them all have your neck.

I think it was the happiest time of my life but I had to stop before I died because otherwise it wasn't fun

This is my face. This is my other face. This is my name. Abracadabra! Wow.

I like boys on swings and girls on skateboards. I like babies in highchairs. I like pharmaceutical medicine wrappers. I like people in hats with big eyebrows. I like people in hats with big eyebrows and big mustaches. I like wearing all my clothes at once. I like people who don't smile. Ever. And I like people who smile. I like hair that goes on and on.

In some ways I love..everything.

It's less of a thing I like. Less distinct, less particular. I like things that I like but I love everything. There's more choice in like. Because even the worst things are things to love.

I love things so much I feel like I could float away.







But that's wrong. I don't understand that very much.

I hate shoes. I hate people who change their voices when they say something important. I hate my thighs. I hate war. I hate silly costumes that cling. I hate invitations. I hate radiators.

knowledge is a polite word for not dead but buried imagination

and so it was not he who was like a clock but me.

man's real life is happy, chiefly because he is ever expecting it soon will be so

they all run together and never make sense but that's how we like it, and that's all we want: Something to cry for, and something to hunt

sealed in day skin and night skin and ice lids

yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top

and the endlessness that you fear

Define happiness: is it just the absence of sadness, or is there more to it?

I faked a lung disease to get out of PE. So what? What are you, some kind of street shrink?

In my blog browsing, I recently came across a terrible one. It was a movie critique (lovely), but I disagreed with every thought.

Milk

he: 6/10

me: 9/10

(500) Days of Summer

he: 4/10

me: 7/10

He also rated like, The Last Holiday really high.. huh? and I don't remember what else, but it was disturbing. I'd really like to document all of my movie watching, because I certainly do a lot of it. I'm considering converting this entire blog. Or maybe making a new one. I don't really have time now though.. a few weeks from finals and all..

I will say that I would give Love & Other Drugs a 6/10. I actually really liked it. I mean it was much about sex and anti relationships, but then all of a sudden it was like "I love you" and then even (brace yourself)--happily ever-after. Why does every movie feel the need to do that? I mean, we don't buy it. How can we? Do we see that in real life? Not hardly.

Anyhow.. Maybe someday soon I will try to make a section of this blog into a movie critique section. Or maybe a multi-media section. Because I am also rather opinionated about music also. And books. Ok, enough sidetracking.

Lab report. Coffee. Pee for the 1034 time tonight.

Repeat.

a family of trees wanted to be haunted

Anyone sick of my drama-queen, fickle obsessions? Whatev.

I am Ob. Sessed. With Landon Pigg. I'm watching this moving Whip It, and am like wow. This boy is lovely, who is he? Landon Pigg. That sounds familiar? Yea. Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop. A beautiful, beautiful song.

And this movie is.. good. Not fantastic, but pretty good. It has a ridiculously amazing soundtrack.

Tilly and the Wall - "Pot Kettle Black"
Ramones - "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker"
Cut Chemist feat. Hymnal - "What's the Altitude"
The Breeders - "Bang On"
The Raveonettes - "Dead Sound"
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - "Blue Turning Grey"
Jens Lekman - "Your Arms Around Me"
Gotye - "Learnalilgivinanlovin"
Peaches - "Boys Wanna Be Her"
Dolly Parton - "Jolene"
38 Special - "Caught Up in You"
Har Mar Superstar feat. Adam Green - "Never My Love"
Goose - "Black Gloves"
The Ettes - "Crown of Age"
Landon Pigg feat. Turbo Fruits - "High Times"
Little Joy - "Unattainable"
The Chordettes - "Lollipop (Squeak E. Clean & Desert Eagles remix)"
The Go! Team - "The Power is On"
Apollo Sunshine - "Breeze"
Turbo Fruits - "Fun Dream Love Dream" (on Amazon MP3 version)
Young MC - "Know How" (on iTunes version)
The Section Quartet - "The Road to Austin" (on iTunes version)

Yes I did feel the need to put the whole soundtrack on there. And I got it from wikipedia and I'm thinking it's not accurate because MGMT's Kids was just on the movie (yes, I'm still watching) and it isn't listed and it would be because it's amazing. Anyways, Landon Pigg. Doesn't he look/his name sound like he should be British? He's from Tennessee. Gross.

Ok, I'll move on. ;)

a time of innocence

I sense that every brilliant movie plays the Simon & Garfunkel song, Bookends. I sensed this, then looked up, and found that the song is played in just two movies: Girl, Interrupted and 500 Days of Summer. They of course are both amazing, but I was real surprised. My new assertion is that all brilliant movies Should play Bookends.

So I miss Winona Ryder and so I imdb-ed her and magically stumbled upon Black Swan. This movie looks so vey wonderful, I cannot wait. Excitement risen because its a "thriller," so I can trick normal people into coming with.

wake up naked drinking coffee making plans to change the world

I've identified a handicap that I very much need to overcome--sleep. I have just found that it is holding me back in every way. I need more hours in a day, serious. I seem to behind in absolutely every class, all the time. If I could only adapt myself to get over having to sleep, I would gain so much time! I'd even gain ground on free time--which I currently have none of. I mean, I probably wouldn't gain much in this category (pretty sure if I could utilize all 24 hours in every day I might still be behind..), but it would be something. I wouldn't feel guilty going out Once in awhile.

So I'm working on this adaptation. Last week I probably averaged about 4 hours per night (taking into account I stayed up All night two nights..) But then I just crashed on Friday night and slept for 11 straight hours.. yikes. But I think I've done about 5 hours Saturday, 6 Sunday, 4 Monday, and 2 Tuesday. I think I'm crashing right about now though. I've had 40oz of coffee today and I still feel miserable. I'm debating getting more now..I am so ridiculously unhealthy these past few weeks. WHEN I justify taking time to run, I can barely go a few miles before a break. WHEN I decide to feed myself, it's usually oatmeal (because I always keep it on hand for oatmeal-related emergencies) or whatever I can buy around town. Because I don't have time to grocery shop. Although my enormous container of oatmeal is starting to run low.. what will I do?? Likely starve.

Should I go get more coffee now? I probably have already speant too much money today (both coffees were boughten..) I should have some sort of rule that limits me buying more than 2 cups per day? It is so cheap to make it at home and so expensive to buy.. so why??? Laziness.

Coffee becomes one of my biggest obstacles in not sleeping, but not because of the price. My teeth! They are very clearly getting stained and something else a little disturbing? They ache. Like all day long, it feels like they are wearing away. Which they probably are. Maybe I could just carry a toothbrush and toothbrush around with me, but I just don't think its a good solution--brushing my teeth gives me somewhat of the same wearing away sensation. I think I need like special toothpaste.

I anyways have a pre-med club thing to go to now and then a lab report to write. So I better go get more coffee.

Say a prayer for my poor teeth..

on me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud

I have a slight obsession with Europe. Take that back, every country besides America. Why do I live here again?

As a little one I loved the show Skins. It's about a group of teenagers in South West England. I wiki-ed it, and I think it does it justice, so I'll just zoom it right in:

"The controversial plot line explores issues such as dysfunctional families, mental illness (including eating disorders), sexual orientation identity, substance abuse and death"

(don't try clicking on the links, unless you'd enjoy some wiki musings about the topics (I don't recommend it..justice is less deserved )

I anyways liked it probably because, as wiki so described, is fucked up, but more so because they're British and.. I'm obsessed. This is all very random, of course. It sparked through a stumble upon of Hannah Murray.. A. dorable.

Can I wear a puppy-printed poodle skirt and coral stockings? Unlikely. I feel as though I'm not a happy enough person.

And this? Yea, there are lizards on her necklace. Serious. She's perfect.


Another current European obsession? Carla Bruni.I mean, yea, she's a model, so of course she's lovely.. probably more obvious than ms. Murray. But I anyways love her mostly for her music. She's Italian, but she is the French first lady and sings french music. Love her.

all day long I can hear people talking out loud

Watching Notting Hill on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

New interest: Marc Chagall. My quick research loves his "zest for life." Zest for life? Intrigue.

In the movie, Anna Scott (Julia Roberts, of course.) describes the painting as "It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky." Not having been in love myself, I don't really understand this. To me floating through a dark blue sky is more lonely than promotion of togetherness (which is what falling in love is, isn't it?) Maybe I'm wrong about the whole process. What does falling in love feel like? Is it lonely? Or maybe the dark blue sky is just the unknown. Like falling in love is wading through uncharted waters where those two particular people had not been together before. But then, if you fall in love more than once in your life, do you explore a different dark sky, or just a new area of the same sky? Or is it the same dark sky, but since you are experiencing it with a different person it all looks different. But it is always the same, isn't it.

I prefer the prior explanation: the dark blue sky is loneliness.

poke at my iris

Here's the thing, I haven't cried in probably 3 months. This concerns me. Logically, it really shouldn't be a bad thing. But really? Do I ever have logical thoughts? The fact that I haven't had a reason to cry should be a good thing. But I dislike it.

Perhaps it aligns with my love of depressing movies (i.e. Revolutionary Road, Closer, ..), and my love of depressing music (9 crimes, Damien Rice, Song for You, Alexi Murdoch, Breathe Me, Sia .. ). Sometimes when I'm too happy (like for the past few months, for example) it just makes me antsy. That must be pretty abnormal, right? Desiring to be sad cannot be a healthy thing.. It's just so me though. I am very drawn to sad things. Favorite weather? Rain. Favorite stories? memoirs about people's fucked up lives. What is it about sadness that intrigues me so?

I anyways felt the need to cry yesterday, but held it in. My eyes filled up with tears, I think, because the whiteboard got blurry. I had just gotten my Ochem test back. I haven't really shook the feeling yet. So I've gotten my sad back. But still, I wish I would just cry about it or something.
Poke at my iris, why can't I cry about this?
and now we're unrelated and rid of all the shit we hated
but I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you

questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart

As she speaks about her experience, I am findng myself short of breath. She is saying that she was trembling when it was over, but does it compare to the violent shaking that has come over me now? I wipe at the tears suddenly falling down my cheeks and steady my breath. I think about the significance of every moment, such as sitting in this beat-up car with my sister, and about the insignificance of life and death. And Stacey's post about Abby.

http://staclee.blogspot.com/2010/10/what-i-never-did-is-done.html



Why am I trying to build a career off of the insignificant?

she slowly swallows all her fears and soothes her mind with lies

I decided to go for a run tonight at 6:42pm. Because the sunset was pretty on my bicycle ride home. Because I wanted to prolong this experience. Because I didnt account for the fact that the sun had already set. Because I lack common sense.

Really? After my last post? Yeah. Luckily, I got home safely. After a very quick-paced run in which I did not get to further enjoy the sunset. I spent half of it looking behind me and left of my and right of me and under me and above me and around me and through me and beside me and..

But I arrived home safely, only to find a girl sitting alone on the floor a few doors down from my apartment. She was in running clothes and shoes. Both knees were scraped and bleeding a little seriously. I walked by, then stopped and turned around. I asked if she got locked out. She said yes, but that her roommate was also out for a run and would be home soon. I looked questioning at her knee, then back at her, then back at the knee, then back at her. She watched me, but said nothing. I said okay and went inside. I gulped down a cup of water and peeked out into the hall. She was gone.





I'm sure she just tripped on her run.

we are just breakable girls and boys

My friend's friend got robbed. She was walking alone. She was pushed to the ground. She screamed. They put a gun to her head. They stole her purse. Then she was walking alone.



My friend was 8 when someone broke into his house. They went into his parents' room while they slept and stole his mom's jewelry. After, he begged for a security system, but his parents said they didn't have the money. Did I know what a security system was when I was 8?



The same friend was 10 when some kids were trying to steal his bike and someone pulled a gun. He rode away. Guns can still get you when you ride away on your bicycle, but do you know that when you're 10?



When did we become so breakable?

like two atoms in a molecule

I recently discovered a song that makes me want to fall in love with a nerdy scientist:

Held together, holding each other

with no one else in mind

Like two atoms in a molecule

Inseparably combined

Danny V.

So.. my Twins are spirally to their death by the Yankees..what else is new? I'm pretty sure if I believed in psychiatry, I would have something along the lines of Seasonal Depression. I mean, what will I do without baseball right now? My roommate is determined to make me a football fan.. gross. I hope she doesn't succeed. Also, school is just getting harder and harder, and it will soon start getting to that Minnesotacoldwhereyoucan'ttakeabreathbecauseitfeelslikethereisfuckingglasslacedinyourlungs. Why do I live here? Is there a land where it can be Fall all year-round and a lovely Danny V. to watch every night? I'd move in tonight. Fly away.



Tonight we went to the game early enough to watch the Yankees (fuck them.) batting practice, and so we just waltzed to the front row directly above our dugout and camped out there until the moment of the first pitch. Literally. I am officially in love with this one man, Danny V. He looks a little goofy on the television and in pictures, but believe me. Five feet is a pretty safe distance to decide that I'd be okay to marry him. On a more unfortunate note: he hasn't been having a great post-season. Oh and I heard JJ has herpes. (I think I've become more rambunctious

about their personal lives because I was just so close to them tonight.. Did that really happen?)

Anyways. I pray I PRAY that those fucking Yankees could just like.. not beat us in the next three games.. in a row.. two of which are in NY.. what? Oh yea, that won't happen. Sigh. Oh winter.

awake my soul.

Do you ever have soul-awakening moments?

























Do you ever have to make them yourself?

















Are they acceptable in society?



































Does it matter?

necessary madness.

Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife; but even that is ours but that it is full of nothing at all, isn't it? And as you split the frost-laced wood with numb hands, rejoice that your uncertainty is God's will and His grace toward you that that is beautiful, and a part of a greater certainty, as your own father always said in his sermons and to you at home. And as the ax bites into the wood, be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of this world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it. And when you resent the ache in your heart, remember: You will be dead and buried soon enough.

Paul Harding, tinkers

I am thinking about this tree and quote as a tattoo.. it would cover most of the top of my left foot (so like, real big.) The quote is, again, Paul Harding's.. would I site that? Is it too many words?

rust.

It's funny how you know you are about to make a mistake. You can feel it coming. The rust covering it makes your heartbeat irregular. It makes your own blood feel rusty in your veins, in your heart, in your brain. And then you make the mistake. And the rust coats your eyes and your mouth. It gets hard to speak, to breathe. It cruds up your ears and gets under your fingernails. It takes awhile to shake yourself free of it. Because it's everywhere. It doesn't matter if it is small and insignificant--if you saw it about to happen, why did it? This thought is the rust. It is hard to shake.

On a lighter note, I finally made it over to my favorite park today. I think I must have stumbled upon it for the first time in winter last year because seeing it clade in fall colors was nothing like I have ever seen ever. Stunning. At first, I was very disappointed because a homeless man was camped out at the beginning of the site. So I didn't stop to sit on my little dock because I was afraid of being in a quiet secluded noplace with a homeless man for company. But I continued on and ran into an adorable old couple and a family with little tikes trouncing around and another middle-aged man walking his scraggly mut. And I felt safe again. And it was my park again. So I crawled down by the river and sat on a tree root jutting from the bank. And it was quiet. And chilly, but brilliantly sunny. And I looked at my beautiful city and felt happy and peaceful. The rest of my run was foggied with the rust, but sitting by the river I couldn't even think about anything. Only about beauty and nothing.

I google imaged to snag this photo, but it's interestingly taken probably from nearly my perch on the riverbank. Though my trees were a lovely orange, yellow, and red rather than green.

when will our heartbeats fall into two lines?

and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know..

and the blue even slowly falls about the garden trees and walls

At 8:30am today, I traveled the 2 miles down the road to my grandparents house. At 3:30pm, I made the return trip. Time = 7 hours.

A lovely day.

Working at the nursing home this summer, I've come to a passionate appreciation for age. In every one of its ugly, difficult, and deeply depressing forms, it is beautiful. For the people who appear to have been harden by age, you have to hold their hands the most often. What made them so bitter towards life? If only we knew, it would break our hearts.

For others, such as my grandmother, life gets more and more beautiful every day. She has endured enough life to make her angry. But she refuses to accept this. I need my hand held by these people the most often. It makes me better. It makes my heart muscles stronger. She teaches me how to love. Through age, she knows, better than anyone in the world, how to love.

We brought flowers to the cemetery today. She walked me over to a couple of fresh graves--two brothers from my hometown. Even though separate diseases claimed their too-young bodies, they died just 20 days apart at ages 79 and 82. It's funny how that happens. Lovely, in a way. Like, after a certain age it becomes impossible to recover from pain. Especially a pain as unimaginable as losing your lifelong best friend. That, or there is a God up there who doesn't believe in lifelong.

"I'm surprised they went so young," Grandma looks down, "Well I guess we can't live forever."

BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON.

Well. I return to the BIG cities pretty soon. Sadly? I feel uninterested. After my most recent excursion to Chicago, I feel as though I've already conquered Minneapolis. The city appears small to me. Like there isn't any place I haven't explored. This, of course, is very inaccurate, but the feeling is real. I enjoy Chicago. Every junction is new, even if I've been there before. There isn't a familiar face in the crowd, no friendly Twins shirt on every corner, no chance to run into aunts Jenni and Jude at Rainbow Foods (totally happened last year..) I've been lost, found, more lost, etc. in Minneapolis one hundred times over and it bores me. By now I think I could find my way from any landmark. And that bores me.

Why do I need to be lost? I don't know. Why do I need my life to be unconquered? No clue.

I think it comes back to my insecurities (doesn't everything?) I need the sense of accompolishment I achieve after finding my way from being truly lost. I crave those moments. See? I can be proud of myself--I just have to set myself up for it.

I think this psychological game of mine (ah hem.. disorder..), might be why I'm interested in medicine. I have found an ultimate challenge--medical school. Thus far? Not going very well. In order for these little games of mine to work, I need to choose an obtainable goal. I don't think I'm fit for this difficult of a challenge. And failing? Is very bad for me. I am simply not a strong enough person for it. When did I get to be such a fucking princess? I never really learned how to deal with failing I guess. Normal people know how to cope, right? I wish I were normal people.

Little Lion Man
Mumford & Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head.

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
.....

ps." BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON. " was on a bumper sticker. I'm not sure what it means.. they also had a world peace bumper sticker. If that helps.

existential.

My obsession: movies.

Tonight with my big bro: I Heart Huckabees

I purchased this one because it features my love, Jude Law. It was a little strange.. all about philosophy and like.. I don't even know. The magic blanket. It often uses the word "existential" Which I know what means because I'm not retarded, but I guess I maybe just didn't even know it was a word. It's like, everyone is afraid of who they are and why they are here, but not everyone knows they're afraid. It got me to thinking: you just can't think about it. I dislike philosophy because, you can always just be.. wrong. and you can make it sound very smart and write books and devote your life to your vision of the meaning of life. and then you could die and find out that, in fact, you were wrong all along. And your life's work was for nothing. Yikes.

Yikes.

Jude Law: born and raised in London--pretended to be American. Disappointing. But still amazing somehow. (likely his eyes.)

Mark Wahlberg: plays my favorite character in the film (environmentalist/social activist firefighter.. eh hem. hot.) But for real, surprised by his talent. I would very much like to see The Departed with him and Leo Dicaprio and Matt Damen

I am learning a little about my favorite films: some trend can be seen in the production companies. My favorite: Focus Features (of course.) and Fox Searchlight. I'll start with Focus, but anyways I think I want to try to see all of their films.. I just like them best.