BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON.

Well. I return to the BIG cities pretty soon. Sadly? I feel uninterested. After my most recent excursion to Chicago, I feel as though I've already conquered Minneapolis. The city appears small to me. Like there isn't any place I haven't explored. This, of course, is very inaccurate, but the feeling is real. I enjoy Chicago. Every junction is new, even if I've been there before. There isn't a familiar face in the crowd, no friendly Twins shirt on every corner, no chance to run into aunts Jenni and Jude at Rainbow Foods (totally happened last year..) I've been lost, found, more lost, etc. in Minneapolis one hundred times over and it bores me. By now I think I could find my way from any landmark. And that bores me.

Why do I need to be lost? I don't know. Why do I need my life to be unconquered? No clue.

I think it comes back to my insecurities (doesn't everything?) I need the sense of accompolishment I achieve after finding my way from being truly lost. I crave those moments. See? I can be proud of myself--I just have to set myself up for it.

I think this psychological game of mine (ah hem.. disorder..), might be why I'm interested in medicine. I have found an ultimate challenge--medical school. Thus far? Not going very well. In order for these little games of mine to work, I need to choose an obtainable goal. I don't think I'm fit for this difficult of a challenge. And failing? Is very bad for me. I am simply not a strong enough person for it. When did I get to be such a fucking princess? I never really learned how to deal with failing I guess. Normal people know how to cope, right? I wish I were normal people.

Little Lion Man
Mumford & Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head.

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
.....

ps." BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON. " was on a bumper sticker. I'm not sure what it means.. they also had a world peace bumper sticker. If that helps.