2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I've learned something today about the people around me, and by default, I learned even more about myself. Unsurprisingly, the source of my new found knowledge is where I have learned a number of difficult lessons--my big sister.

It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay, Rae. You just have to remember that. Until your heart stops beating--you'll be okay.

I have always dwelled on all of what I'm lacking in life--brains, a perfect body, common sense,.. (to name a few). I'm beginning to realize that this has led me to a much bigger problem--self-absorbency. To deal with this self-hatred, I tend to intentionally (or sometimes maybe subconciously..) harm myself or put myself in danger. It has come to be the only way I can deal with my faults. It feels good to punish myself because it is a way of showing proof fthat I know that I'm a bad person. This? Makes no sense, I realize. But I think if I'm being honest with myself, it is the ony real reason I can come up with.

As good as it feels to hate myself, Jazzy made me realize something: by hating myself, I'm hurting those I love the most. It doesn't matter that I don't care whether I'm happy. There are people in the world who care if I'm happy. And pretending does not take care of it. Not even kind of. Even naive people like my mother can see right through such acts.

Imagine if I kill myself being so reckless. How would that affect people? Honestly I don't know if Jaim could survive. Abby's accident will affect the rest of her life--it has irreversibly changed who she is. What if her only baby sister was gone forever? She would blame herself, I'm positive. It wouldn't be her fault, of course, but nonetheless. It would ruin her. I can't stand the thought of ruining my sister. I love her more than anything.

The moral of my story: my goal for now is to try not to be so hard on myself.

(a little background.. I received a wake up call to the tune that I am just simply a bad sister. I hate myself for it. Jaime cares so much about me, it's unreal. It's unlike any love I ever imagined. You would think that this realization of the greatest love I will probably ever know, would thrill me. But it hurt--no, it was excruciating. I could never love anyone the way Jaime loves everyone. And that, hurts. Let's just add it to the list of my inadequacies.)

Fuck. I'm supposed to be loving myself now aren't I.

But anyways.. I'm so glad she's mine.