it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and bones

I wish I could be five years old. I wish



And it's funny how his voice changed into what it used to be. Wise and patient, autocratic. Like I was his five year old girl again and I was learning the facts of life. I wish it were that simple. I wish you could tell me everyone was overreacting, and we would all be okay. The bright sun comes up every morning to make the corn grow. Doctors say what they say to scare you into spending money. Don't go into the woods alone or you won't find your way back home.


I wish I could be five years old because there was no such thing as science. There was Dad and he was the absolute truth. No relativism. And kidneys failing after multiple bypass surgeries was a fairy tale physicians tell their patients. And red blood cell count doesn't start to rise when your only kidney starts to fail. And the accumulation of RBC won't block flow to your heart. And you won't have a heart attack. All that is pretend.

Some things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that life is never that simple. I wish I didn't know that sometimes the reaction is absolutely, and regrettably suitable. I wish I didn't know that not always will we all be okay. I wish I didn't know that not every morning the sun comes up. I wish I didn't understand that physicians spend half of their lives in school and sacrifice everything to be in medicine. And they are smart enough to know that if they were in it for the money, there are a hell of a lot of career paths less demanding and sacrificing. Physicians need an alterior motive: But the love I mean is the fire that burns inside us all, the inner warmth that prevents our soul from freezing in the winters of despair. It's the love of life itself. I wish I didn't know that.

I wish we all didn't have to wander the woods alone. But where is home?











Well, it's 4:30am.. I suppose, since I apparently don't know how to sleep anymore, I should get up and be productive.