and the blue even slowly falls about the garden trees and walls

At 8:30am today, I traveled the 2 miles down the road to my grandparents house. At 3:30pm, I made the return trip. Time = 7 hours.

A lovely day.

Working at the nursing home this summer, I've come to a passionate appreciation for age. In every one of its ugly, difficult, and deeply depressing forms, it is beautiful. For the people who appear to have been harden by age, you have to hold their hands the most often. What made them so bitter towards life? If only we knew, it would break our hearts.

For others, such as my grandmother, life gets more and more beautiful every day. She has endured enough life to make her angry. But she refuses to accept this. I need my hand held by these people the most often. It makes me better. It makes my heart muscles stronger. She teaches me how to love. Through age, she knows, better than anyone in the world, how to love.

We brought flowers to the cemetery today. She walked me over to a couple of fresh graves--two brothers from my hometown. Even though separate diseases claimed their too-young bodies, they died just 20 days apart at ages 79 and 82. It's funny how that happens. Lovely, in a way. Like, after a certain age it becomes impossible to recover from pain. Especially a pain as unimaginable as losing your lifelong best friend. That, or there is a God up there who doesn't believe in lifelong.

"I'm surprised they went so young," Grandma looks down, "Well I guess we can't live forever."

BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON.

Well. I return to the BIG cities pretty soon. Sadly? I feel uninterested. After my most recent excursion to Chicago, I feel as though I've already conquered Minneapolis. The city appears small to me. Like there isn't any place I haven't explored. This, of course, is very inaccurate, but the feeling is real. I enjoy Chicago. Every junction is new, even if I've been there before. There isn't a familiar face in the crowd, no friendly Twins shirt on every corner, no chance to run into aunts Jenni and Jude at Rainbow Foods (totally happened last year..) I've been lost, found, more lost, etc. in Minneapolis one hundred times over and it bores me. By now I think I could find my way from any landmark. And that bores me.

Why do I need to be lost? I don't know. Why do I need my life to be unconquered? No clue.

I think it comes back to my insecurities (doesn't everything?) I need the sense of accompolishment I achieve after finding my way from being truly lost. I crave those moments. See? I can be proud of myself--I just have to set myself up for it.

I think this psychological game of mine (ah hem.. disorder..), might be why I'm interested in medicine. I have found an ultimate challenge--medical school. Thus far? Not going very well. In order for these little games of mine to work, I need to choose an obtainable goal. I don't think I'm fit for this difficult of a challenge. And failing? Is very bad for me. I am simply not a strong enough person for it. When did I get to be such a fucking princess? I never really learned how to deal with failing I guess. Normal people know how to cope, right? I wish I were normal people.

Little Lion Man
Mumford & Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head.

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
.....

ps." BRING ME THE HORIZON. SUICIDE SEASON. " was on a bumper sticker. I'm not sure what it means.. they also had a world peace bumper sticker. If that helps.

existential.

My obsession: movies.

Tonight with my big bro: I Heart Huckabees

I purchased this one because it features my love, Jude Law. It was a little strange.. all about philosophy and like.. I don't even know. The magic blanket. It often uses the word "existential" Which I know what means because I'm not retarded, but I guess I maybe just didn't even know it was a word. It's like, everyone is afraid of who they are and why they are here, but not everyone knows they're afraid. It got me to thinking: you just can't think about it. I dislike philosophy because, you can always just be.. wrong. and you can make it sound very smart and write books and devote your life to your vision of the meaning of life. and then you could die and find out that, in fact, you were wrong all along. And your life's work was for nothing. Yikes.

Yikes.

Jude Law: born and raised in London--pretended to be American. Disappointing. But still amazing somehow. (likely his eyes.)

Mark Wahlberg: plays my favorite character in the film (environmentalist/social activist firefighter.. eh hem. hot.) But for real, surprised by his talent. I would very much like to see The Departed with him and Leo Dicaprio and Matt Damen

I am learning a little about my favorite films: some trend can be seen in the production companies. My favorite: Focus Features (of course.) and Fox Searchlight. I'll start with Focus, but anyways I think I want to try to see all of their films.. I just like them best.

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I've learned something today about the people around me, and by default, I learned even more about myself. Unsurprisingly, the source of my new found knowledge is where I have learned a number of difficult lessons--my big sister.

It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay, Rae. You just have to remember that. Until your heart stops beating--you'll be okay.

I have always dwelled on all of what I'm lacking in life--brains, a perfect body, common sense,.. (to name a few). I'm beginning to realize that this has led me to a much bigger problem--self-absorbency. To deal with this self-hatred, I tend to intentionally (or sometimes maybe subconciously..) harm myself or put myself in danger. It has come to be the only way I can deal with my faults. It feels good to punish myself because it is a way of showing proof fthat I know that I'm a bad person. This? Makes no sense, I realize. But I think if I'm being honest with myself, it is the ony real reason I can come up with.

As good as it feels to hate myself, Jazzy made me realize something: by hating myself, I'm hurting those I love the most. It doesn't matter that I don't care whether I'm happy. There are people in the world who care if I'm happy. And pretending does not take care of it. Not even kind of. Even naive people like my mother can see right through such acts.

Imagine if I kill myself being so reckless. How would that affect people? Honestly I don't know if Jaim could survive. Abby's accident will affect the rest of her life--it has irreversibly changed who she is. What if her only baby sister was gone forever? She would blame herself, I'm positive. It wouldn't be her fault, of course, but nonetheless. It would ruin her. I can't stand the thought of ruining my sister. I love her more than anything.

The moral of my story: my goal for now is to try not to be so hard on myself.

(a little background.. I received a wake up call to the tune that I am just simply a bad sister. I hate myself for it. Jaime cares so much about me, it's unreal. It's unlike any love I ever imagined. You would think that this realization of the greatest love I will probably ever know, would thrill me. But it hurt--no, it was excruciating. I could never love anyone the way Jaime loves everyone. And that, hurts. Let's just add it to the list of my inadequacies.)

Fuck. I'm supposed to be loving myself now aren't I.

But anyways.. I'm so glad she's mine.

oh. tequila.

Michael and Murphy

Ireland--day.. 9 and 10

Umm... We stayed in a gorgeous B&B in Kenmare.. we went to a pub one night where they played polka music and there was lots of dancing--by dancers all over the age of 65. It was fantastic. So this guy Michael asked me to dance (yes one of the seniors..) so fun! positively a highlight of the trip.. He even gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that I was a good dancer (tahahha cutie)

The next day (our last) we went horse back riding through parts of the Ring of Kerry. My babe's name was Murphy =)

The End.