questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart

As she speaks about her experience, I am findng myself short of breath. She is saying that she was trembling when it was over, but does it compare to the violent shaking that has come over me now? I wipe at the tears suddenly falling down my cheeks and steady my breath. I think about the significance of every moment, such as sitting in this beat-up car with my sister, and about the insignificance of life and death. And Stacey's post about Abby.

http://staclee.blogspot.com/2010/10/what-i-never-did-is-done.html



Why am I trying to build a career off of the insignificant?

she slowly swallows all her fears and soothes her mind with lies

I decided to go for a run tonight at 6:42pm. Because the sunset was pretty on my bicycle ride home. Because I wanted to prolong this experience. Because I didnt account for the fact that the sun had already set. Because I lack common sense.

Really? After my last post? Yeah. Luckily, I got home safely. After a very quick-paced run in which I did not get to further enjoy the sunset. I spent half of it looking behind me and left of my and right of me and under me and above me and around me and through me and beside me and..

But I arrived home safely, only to find a girl sitting alone on the floor a few doors down from my apartment. She was in running clothes and shoes. Both knees were scraped and bleeding a little seriously. I walked by, then stopped and turned around. I asked if she got locked out. She said yes, but that her roommate was also out for a run and would be home soon. I looked questioning at her knee, then back at her, then back at the knee, then back at her. She watched me, but said nothing. I said okay and went inside. I gulped down a cup of water and peeked out into the hall. She was gone.





I'm sure she just tripped on her run.

we are just breakable girls and boys

My friend's friend got robbed. She was walking alone. She was pushed to the ground. She screamed. They put a gun to her head. They stole her purse. Then she was walking alone.



My friend was 8 when someone broke into his house. They went into his parents' room while they slept and stole his mom's jewelry. After, he begged for a security system, but his parents said they didn't have the money. Did I know what a security system was when I was 8?



The same friend was 10 when some kids were trying to steal his bike and someone pulled a gun. He rode away. Guns can still get you when you ride away on your bicycle, but do you know that when you're 10?



When did we become so breakable?

like two atoms in a molecule

I recently discovered a song that makes me want to fall in love with a nerdy scientist:

Held together, holding each other

with no one else in mind

Like two atoms in a molecule

Inseparably combined

Danny V.

So.. my Twins are spirally to their death by the Yankees..what else is new? I'm pretty sure if I believed in psychiatry, I would have something along the lines of Seasonal Depression. I mean, what will I do without baseball right now? My roommate is determined to make me a football fan.. gross. I hope she doesn't succeed. Also, school is just getting harder and harder, and it will soon start getting to that Minnesotacoldwhereyoucan'ttakeabreathbecauseitfeelslikethereisfuckingglasslacedinyourlungs. Why do I live here? Is there a land where it can be Fall all year-round and a lovely Danny V. to watch every night? I'd move in tonight. Fly away.



Tonight we went to the game early enough to watch the Yankees (fuck them.) batting practice, and so we just waltzed to the front row directly above our dugout and camped out there until the moment of the first pitch. Literally. I am officially in love with this one man, Danny V. He looks a little goofy on the television and in pictures, but believe me. Five feet is a pretty safe distance to decide that I'd be okay to marry him. On a more unfortunate note: he hasn't been having a great post-season. Oh and I heard JJ has herpes. (I think I've become more rambunctious

about their personal lives because I was just so close to them tonight.. Did that really happen?)

Anyways. I pray I PRAY that those fucking Yankees could just like.. not beat us in the next three games.. in a row.. two of which are in NY.. what? Oh yea, that won't happen. Sigh. Oh winter.

awake my soul.

Do you ever have soul-awakening moments?

























Do you ever have to make them yourself?

















Are they acceptable in society?



































Does it matter?

necessary madness.

Your cold mornings are filled with the heartache about the fact that although we are not at ease in this world, it is all we have, that it is ours but that it is full of strife, so that all we can call our own is strife; but even that is ours but that it is full of nothing at all, isn't it? And as you split the frost-laced wood with numb hands, rejoice that your uncertainty is God's will and His grace toward you that that is beautiful, and a part of a greater certainty, as your own father always said in his sermons and to you at home. And as the ax bites into the wood, be comforted in the fact that the ache in your heart and the confusion in your soul means that you are still alive, still human, and still open to the beauty of this world, even though you have done nothing to deserve it. And when you resent the ache in your heart, remember: You will be dead and buried soon enough.

Paul Harding, tinkers

I am thinking about this tree and quote as a tattoo.. it would cover most of the top of my left foot (so like, real big.) The quote is, again, Paul Harding's.. would I site that? Is it too many words?

rust.

It's funny how you know you are about to make a mistake. You can feel it coming. The rust covering it makes your heartbeat irregular. It makes your own blood feel rusty in your veins, in your heart, in your brain. And then you make the mistake. And the rust coats your eyes and your mouth. It gets hard to speak, to breathe. It cruds up your ears and gets under your fingernails. It takes awhile to shake yourself free of it. Because it's everywhere. It doesn't matter if it is small and insignificant--if you saw it about to happen, why did it? This thought is the rust. It is hard to shake.

On a lighter note, I finally made it over to my favorite park today. I think I must have stumbled upon it for the first time in winter last year because seeing it clade in fall colors was nothing like I have ever seen ever. Stunning. At first, I was very disappointed because a homeless man was camped out at the beginning of the site. So I didn't stop to sit on my little dock because I was afraid of being in a quiet secluded noplace with a homeless man for company. But I continued on and ran into an adorable old couple and a family with little tikes trouncing around and another middle-aged man walking his scraggly mut. And I felt safe again. And it was my park again. So I crawled down by the river and sat on a tree root jutting from the bank. And it was quiet. And chilly, but brilliantly sunny. And I looked at my beautiful city and felt happy and peaceful. The rest of my run was foggied with the rust, but sitting by the river I couldn't even think about anything. Only about beauty and nothing.

I google imaged to snag this photo, but it's interestingly taken probably from nearly my perch on the riverbank. Though my trees were a lovely orange, yellow, and red rather than green.