and past the horizon till I can't even see you

I've, once again, updated my decision of career path. I now want to be a pediatric oncologist with an emphasis in clinical research.



I'm currently obsessed with children, babies in particular. I've spent my last two Fairview visits with one little girl with whom I am now fully invested in. I want this baby. She has a feeding tube that is obviously uncomfortable, she is always reaching for it and sneezing and coughing. She used to cry about it a lot, but I feel like she is starting to know me. When her coughing wakes her up, I sing to her and she grabs my thumb and stares at me with her huge eyes and loves me and I love her. It's just the way it is. I've come to realize that I am not the mother-type, so I am going to become a pediatrician to satisfy my yearning. I know I won't get to sit around holding babies for hours on end as a physician, but still..





As for the oncology/hematology fellowship, I adopted this plan from our most recent pre-med club meeting's physician. He was a general medicine oncologist, but his philosophy matched my own, and I can't believe I am only now realizing it. His favorite part about oncology was being able to help sick people. This sounds pretty standard for physicians, but really, it isn't. Many are involved in preventative, cosmetic, yata yata yata. Some specialties deal specifically with people in need. Another specialty that satisfies this is surgery. My issue with surgery is that surgeons don't have their "own" patients. They really see any physician's patients who needs surgery. I think that would bother me. I want a patient that I can track and care for. I want to help them and stay with them and know them. (when I speak like this, I almost think nursing is a better path for me...)



Another reason I like oncology, and the particular reason that I feel like I should have figured out a long time ago, I am, rather concerningly, interested in death. I mean, really. The music I listen to, the movies I watch, the books I read--they all revolve around dying it seems. I honestly am interested in the psychology of dying, but I really don't want to be a psychiatrist. Too much politics. Still, oncology incorporates a certain degree of social work of course, and I just think I am for some reason particularly atuned to this emotion. Like I'm extra sensitve to the concept, for whatever reason. I sat and listened to the physican speak about his work, and I just wanted to cry--but in a good way. Maybe not in a good way.. In a, "this is really sad, I really like to be sad" sort of way.







I sort of brushed off the fact that I'm not the mother-type. Truth: it terrifies me. I just could not raise a child. It was way too much responsibility. I mean, obviously I'm okay with responsibility to the effect that I want to save their lives, but the parent's raising methods has so much more of an effect psychologically. I don't feel like my parents had that much of an effect on my psychology, but that in itself is an effect, right? Another thing, I'm pretty sure I have some sanity issues.. (I'm not). So I don't want really want to pass on those genes. Which, when I say it outloud, sounds like a terrible insult to my family. But I guess that is exactly how I mean it. I kind of think we all ahve some psychological problems. People probably don't really know that about us, we all seem so normal. We so aren't normal. And I will even go so far as to say it is a bad thing. I mean, it can't be, we are all our own person, and I love all of our personalities. But I think each of us could stand to be a bit happier. And I can't help but blame genetics, because we all are a little bit, and I don't think it has to do with our childhood. Because our childhood was pretty fantastic. But we all grew up to be a little too unhappy, for no reason at all.

Just some thoughts. Well, a lot of thoughts.

Oh yea, one more: this is my current favorite song. It's what also scares me about being a parent.


Boats & Birds
by Gregory and the Hawk

If you'll be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

And you can sky-rocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here with more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by