his ladder to the stars

Cancer.

To be completely honest with myself, I don't understand it.



I like to consider myself a pretty compassionate person--I think every person is, actually. And I think if you want to be a doctor, you are especially atuned to this emotion. I've narrowed my current favorite specialties to two: pediatrics and geriatrics. I know, geriatrics isn't a specialty--nor does it, obviously, fit with any pediatrics fellowship. But anyways, it would probably be a family medicine fellowship, but thats besides the point. They are at opposite ends of.. life. But I've made a couple possible connections as to why I'm interested in these two fields:

1.) It's all about vulnerability. Children and the elderly are similarily completely helpless--and that's just in general and not taking into account an illness or disability. I think this is why I love them and feel a strong passion for helping them.

2.) These are the only two types of patients I've helped (at the nursing home and at Fairview)..in other words--I'm going to be drawn to all patients. Which is okay, too.


But anyways, cancer. The other day my sister said I should go into oncology. It is interesting. If my first theory is correct, that I'm drawn to especially vulnerable people, what is possibly more vulnerable than a disease that is ruining you from the inside out, with little to be done? My hesitation? The little to be done. I'm a doctor (in this hypothetical future).. I would like for there to be much to do. Everything I can do possibly. Then I thought, but what about research? I could do cancer research! How wonderful would it be to make it more possible for doctors to DO something. I had always written off my MD/PHD fantasy when I considered the time that would be taken away from my clinic time. But what if that time was spent doing something so incredible. So there didn't need to be so much time to see patients. So they could actually GET BETTER. I should look for cancer labs I could work in now, as an undergrad.

**this revelation, of course, took place at Fairview tonight while I was hanging out with a little boy with Leukemia, whom I am in love with..**


I get to my phone at the end of the night: email from the professor at my current lab (plant research)--summer research opportunity $4,000 stipend for plant research.


Maybe I'll stick with plants for now..



And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence