epiphany

I had.. an emotional night I suppose you might say. I apologize if this is a boring post, however, because it really might just mean something to only me.

Tonight I had an AED meeting (pre-med club), and our speaker was a dermatologist and owner of his own practice. Dermatology is not even in the realm of what I'm interested in about medicine. I mean, I find it interesting, but owning my own practice, being extremely successful, having lots of money, working in a very calm environment, lotion.. it just isn't my ideal. The evening was salvaged though because this particular dermatologist had some insight. It seemed like he had insight right into my soul.

He began to talk about his "calling." He wanted to be a doctor since he was a little tike because that is what his dad was and he wanted to be exactly like his dad. ( I mean, at this point I am thinking, wow. I have nothing in common with this guy.. like what the fuck is a calling??)

Then he goes to his undergrad and medical school and has a hard time as he is a very bad student. He referred to himself as "lacking the God-given gift of brains." (yay! like me!) He says he makes it work though because of his "calling." (hmmm.. you lost me again)

He tries to get into residency with.. internal medicine I think he said? And didn't get in. He tried places until he did get in somewhere because it was his "calling." (maybe.. I'm starting to understand.. )

Anyways, so when he was done with a short biography, he went on a whole 45-min spiel about how going into medicine means it has to be your calling. There has to be no way that anyone could talk you out of this career choice. Because people will try to..all the time.. for the rest of your life. To be a doctor you sacrifice everything..all of everything.. for the rest of your life.

I think I understand what Dr. Carney meant by his "calling." Maybe I didn't know I was going to be a doctor when I was little, but I do know now.

So, to my epiphany. I really am going to be a doctor someday! I am not smart. I'm not going to have perfect grades. But I have to be a doctor.. it is the only thing I want to do. If I don't get in to any medical school, I will spend the rest of my life trying to. Another physician I have recently heard from spoke about how she was never very smart and she skipped class all the time in medical school. When she got to her residency, she just worked so hard, so she was promoted.. and promoted.. and is now like the Head of Pediatrics at Fairview.

This reminded me so much of me! So I have this job in a plant research lab and let me tell you, I. am. Awful. A major part of my job (at least my superior would like it to be a major part of my job..) is genotyping. For some reason, I always find a way to screw it up! Basically you have to make a mixture of solutions using a pipette (device used to measure very small amounts).. and I think my trouble is in getting the right concentrations without denaturing one of the solutions or something, but I never seem to get it right! Needless to say, Gerit (the post-doc. I work under) can't really trust me with important genotyping when my accuracy is currently at about 5%!! What's my point?

chill.. I'm getting there...

So anyways, Gerit is completely in love with me..she recently nominated me to win some kind of undergraduate award for being a great worker. She says I am the best undergrad worker she has seen in like five years. Is she kidding? I suck! So I think she just sees that I am trying really hard and I will do anything she says.

At first, I am thinking, isn't that a given? I have just grown up with people who work hard 100% of the time. I have always thought it has been a bit of a detriment to my psyche--always feeling like everything is a competition against people who are willing to give it their all--but I am beginning to change my mind. Osakis-grown people are not everywhere.. we are a rare breed. I don't want to judge people..honestly it's not what I'm about, but after living in the city for a number of months now, I see that I grew up in a different world than the people around me. People who live here are a little more self-involved... That's all I'm going to say.

I think it was earlier this year that my dad says to me, "You know what's going to set you apart on your medical school application? You have milked a cow." Huh? Yes, I'm positive that skill will come in handy when I am elbow deep in someones open chest..sure Dad. Tonight I finally make sense of Dad's crazy. I am from a small town, a no-place, a farm. I am different than people applying to medical school. My father and brother and aunt and cousin and grandfather weren't doctors. I will do anything you tell me to do. I don't care about myself. I care about you.

I have been blind to any mentality besides this for my whole life. I didn't think I was special because all my friends were like this. My family is like this. I am like this.

This is all very boring I'm sensing.. but it really means something to me. For a little more excitement: I started to cry a little on my walk home. I happened upon this song I have always really liked.. Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.. through it I have always tried to think about a boy I have a crush on at the time (or something because it's fun..) but I could only think about being a doctor. The song has a Completely new meaning to me now! Here's part of the lyrics:

When I see your smile

Tears roll down my face I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven