Rachael: A to Z

One of the blogs I read featured this and I thought it was sort of cute..

Age: 19

Bed size: full

chore you hate: I hate all chores on a daily basis. I love all chores when I'm stressed out about life and I need a way to feel good about myself and be productive.

Dogs: I adore dogs, but maybe it's all animals. I have a sweet little Cocker Spaniel that lives with my mom for now, but maybe summer will be her move to the big city. Which will likely not go over well, but we'll see. Her name is Jo.

Essential start to your day: SLEEP. In a perfect world (and on rare occasions in my real world): I would actually have gotten sleep, I will wake up two hours before I have to leave, I will put on my black Nikes and run away the morning as the sun comes up, then I will come back, take a shower, and eat breakfast. In my everyday, I sleep until the very last possible second, skip everything people say is essential in the morning: breakfast, showering, ... and run out the door.

Favorite Color: yellow--not because anything in my life is that bright and happy, but because it was my favorite color as a little girl, so I stick with it

Gold or silver: gold

Height: maybe 5'5"

Instruments you play: trumpet

Job title: lab assistant, student..

Kids: Am obsessed with. But probably won't ever have my own. But I want to be a pediatrician

Live: I'm not sure what this means.. how I live? Hmm.. pretty lost. A little hippie-esk, a little OCD, a little lazily, a bit of a loner

mom's name: Mom, mommy when I'm sad or homesick

Nicknames: Rae (Jazzy), Raelo (Luke), Curly Rachael, little Rachael (work, because there's another Rachel)

overnight hospital stays:
1.) with Mom when I was born
2.) 6 years old: kidney infection
3.) 19th birthday: drunk/dehydrated

haha talk about from innocence to experience

quote from a movie: "Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."--The Last Kiss

right-or left-handed: right

Siblings: Peter, Luke, Katie, Kari, Jaime.. and I love them maybe an excessive amount

Time you Wake up: 6-8:30am, later on weekends..

Underwear: not sure what's meant by this.. I almost exclusively wear thongs, but I feel like that's more information than you wanted to know, lol

Vegetables you dislike: olives and mushrooms

What makes you run late: whatever I can find on that particular day.. everything.

x-rays you've had: my teeth a few times.. ? that might be all

yummy food you make: stir fry (easy, yes, but my specialty), soup, pie

Zoo favorite animal: my favorite zoo animal would be locking zoo keepers in cages and pointing and laughing and poking and throwing things (ha, sorry that was a little hostile)

I go back to a two-toned, short bed Chevy

Well in the town where I was raised,
the clock ticks and the cattle grazed

Time passed with amazing grace,

Back where I come from

You can lie on a river bank,
paint your name on a water tank

or miscount all the beers you drank,

Back where I come from

Back where I come from

Where I'll be when its said and done

I'm proud as anyone

That's where I come from

We learned in the Sunday school,

who made the sun shine through

I know who made the moon shine toom

Back where I come from

Blue eyes on a Saturday night,

tan legs in the broad daylight

TV's they were black and white

Back where I come from

Back where I come from

Where I'll be when its said and done

I'm proud as anyone

That's where I come from

Some say it's a backward place,*

narrow minds on a narrow wage

But I make it a point to say,

that's where I come from

That's where I come from

Where I'll be when its said and done

I'm proud as anyone

That's where I come from

Back where I come from

I'm an old Osakis-ian

Well I'm proud as anyone

That's where I come from

*this is my favorite part because I'm definitely one of those people who bitches about Osakis being a backward place, full of very narrow-minded people.. but in the same breath of saying that, I proudly say: That's where I come from!

always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

I spoke with my three-way-tie-for-first favorite sister on the phone tonight. Goll I love that girl. Haven't spoken to her since.. oh, about the beginning of January. Two months.

And we had a real heart-to-heart. About my mom and dad. About Africa. About communications. About design. About Tyra. About happiness. About contentment.

I miss her. I love her.

"No one is looking at you to do something. Don't feel pressure to do something you're supposed to do. If that's going to make you happy, then everyone will be behind you."

I watch the stars from my window sill

woke up and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that I said I'd do
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and I'm standing still

woke up and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
the Night is here and the Day is gone
and the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

pretends to sleep as he looks her over

So, I was upset with my friend (well, concerned I suppose is a better term) for not being comfortable with being single. It unnerved me! You have got to be okay with yourself. Independence. Making yourself happy. Being alone.

Why would anyone want to be in a "relationship" anyways? What does that create? Rules? rules are meant to be broken. Fights. Struggles. Strife. Heartache. Lies. Betrayl. Crying.

In my opinion, relationships are too extreme. When is it ever a good idea to be all or nothing? And as I say this, I can't help but wonder if this leads to safety--another concept I think people should keep away from. Am I being safe by keeping my emotions at the luke-warm level? Passion is not a bad thing, nor is hatred. I adore those extremes, so why can't I justify it from the relationship standpoint? I'm going to maintain that I don't believe in the concept of marriage and forever. But maybe the point is to go after those things anyways.

I've been very interested in psychology lately (by "interested," I mostly mean the media I'm attracted to addresses this concept, namely: abnormal psychology). People with mental disorders like OCD (ie Caty from Skins.. love. her.) grow up to realize they've been on medications for their entire lives. Another example, Garden State (maybe my favorite movie).. Andrew's revelation is that he has been numb to every experience in his life. Maybe I have a natural drug in my brain that distances myself and makes me numb to experiences too. Can I turn it off? Is it just something I have to work at a bit? Does everyone have the drug in their minds, but choose to overcome it? Why is it my natural response to encourage the drug?

Anyways.. I've probably come up with more questions than answers in my self-evaluation. Today I invited the man to my little girl's track meet. This is a big step. I didn't want him to come. Him meeting someone so important to me? Big step. That is me letting him in in a huge way. Big step. That is almost like saying we're in a relationship. Gross. But I asked anyways. Because I'm trying.

I was anyways turned down. Maybe he really was busy. But the logical-me tells me he wasn't. The logical-me tells me that he also doesn't want this to be a relationship. Which is a relief.




Right?

my blood won't stick to the confines of my veins

If the chain is on your door, I understand.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine, no, no, no, no, no--nothing else will do, I gotta have you.

Oh, on a less pathetic note: my cousin had her baby this weekend. A little tiny girl. I love her. And when I held her, she looked like this:

..the whole time. And yet, I love her. My heart hurts I love her so much. Oh, and my friend is officially deciding she isn't pregnant. Which...ugh well, whatever. I'll be fine.