always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

I spoke with my three-way-tie-for-first favorite sister on the phone tonight. Goll I love that girl. Haven't spoken to her since.. oh, about the beginning of January. Two months.

And we had a real heart-to-heart. About my mom and dad. About Africa. About communications. About design. About Tyra. About happiness. About contentment.

I miss her. I love her.

"No one is looking at you to do something. Don't feel pressure to do something you're supposed to do. If that's going to make you happy, then everyone will be behind you."

I watch the stars from my window sill

woke up and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that I said I'd do
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and I'm standing still

woke up and wished that I was dead
with an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
the Night is here and the Day is gone
and the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
and the world spins madly on.

pretends to sleep as he looks her over

So, I was upset with my friend (well, concerned I suppose is a better term) for not being comfortable with being single. It unnerved me! You have got to be okay with yourself. Independence. Making yourself happy. Being alone.

Why would anyone want to be in a "relationship" anyways? What does that create? Rules? rules are meant to be broken. Fights. Struggles. Strife. Heartache. Lies. Betrayl. Crying.

In my opinion, relationships are too extreme. When is it ever a good idea to be all or nothing? And as I say this, I can't help but wonder if this leads to safety--another concept I think people should keep away from. Am I being safe by keeping my emotions at the luke-warm level? Passion is not a bad thing, nor is hatred. I adore those extremes, so why can't I justify it from the relationship standpoint? I'm going to maintain that I don't believe in the concept of marriage and forever. But maybe the point is to go after those things anyways.

I've been very interested in psychology lately (by "interested," I mostly mean the media I'm attracted to addresses this concept, namely: abnormal psychology). People with mental disorders like OCD (ie Caty from Skins.. love. her.) grow up to realize they've been on medications for their entire lives. Another example, Garden State (maybe my favorite movie).. Andrew's revelation is that he has been numb to every experience in his life. Maybe I have a natural drug in my brain that distances myself and makes me numb to experiences too. Can I turn it off? Is it just something I have to work at a bit? Does everyone have the drug in their minds, but choose to overcome it? Why is it my natural response to encourage the drug?

Anyways.. I've probably come up with more questions than answers in my self-evaluation. Today I invited the man to my little girl's track meet. This is a big step. I didn't want him to come. Him meeting someone so important to me? Big step. That is me letting him in in a huge way. Big step. That is almost like saying we're in a relationship. Gross. But I asked anyways. Because I'm trying.

I was anyways turned down. Maybe he really was busy. But the logical-me tells me he wasn't. The logical-me tells me that he also doesn't want this to be a relationship. Which is a relief.




Right?

my blood won't stick to the confines of my veins

If the chain is on your door, I understand.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine, no, no, no, no, no--nothing else will do, I gotta have you.

Oh, on a less pathetic note: my cousin had her baby this weekend. A little tiny girl. I love her. And when I held her, she looked like this:

..the whole time. And yet, I love her. My heart hurts I love her so much. Oh, and my friend is officially deciding she isn't pregnant. Which...ugh well, whatever. I'll be fine.

all my life I've been good, but now, I'm thinking what the hell.

I suppose I should mention, seeing as how I am obsessed with it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQmEd_UeeIk

It's Avril's new one, and I basically dance in front of my mirror to this song at least once a day, and blare it on my iPod, all the time.

I think about you maybe more than I should

Good morning dear
I hope I didn't wake you too soon
because my mind is growing tired
Too much thinking what I should do
I picture you out there
It must be beautiful this time of year
Well the weather out here is just the same
But the garden that you planted remains.

Now it's only work
Each day bleeding into the next
Barely scraping by I tire myself out just so I can rest
But rest it rarely comes
And when it does I cannot go home
Becasue it's much too quiet
Seems that I'm suited to being alone
And everyone around me has changed
But the garden that you planted remains.

I think about you
Maybe more than I should
But the smog is getting old
The drugs I'm taking aren't so good
So will you talk to me
Even though you've had a late night
Because I need a little help
Baby, tell me I'll be alright
Cause everything around me has changed
But the garden that you planted remains